I just have to be out of here before the McIntyre’s get home from church. I don’t want them to see me like this.
The last few days have jus, I don’t know, not made me feel very good. I drank again, twice in a row, and it wasn’t a big deal. I guess it was nice to know that I can drink and handle myself and not feel like an idiot, but it was so unsatisfying that it almost hurt to wake up the next day knowing that I did that.
I went to a friend’s baby’s birthday party yesterday, to have her mom walk over to me, give me a hug, and tell me she’s sorry about my parents. I’m sick of the pity. I hate that when I visit my grandparents, where my mom (kinda) lives, she’s never there. Or that when I leave, my grandpa hands me money because he “just feels bad”. I don’t want pity, but I want someone to understand, care, and it doesn’t really feel like anyone does.
I hate this empty feeling. I feel as if everything I ever gave to anyone has be ripped, torn, burned, trashed. Besides the obvious from my dad, even my mom, sister, friends are no longer the people I want to be around. Even this one boy, who swore he cared, swore he’d be there, isn’t. He leaves me feeling empty inside. My mom, who says I can call her anytime, only answers when she’s not busy, and she’s always busy out in Palm Springs with some idiot guy she says she’s “dating”. Bullshit. My sister went Prom dress shopping without me, and that left me feeling so hollow, so bruised.
A friend told me the other night that I spend all my time with idiot guys who rub off on me. It’s true, and I don’t even care. When the people I feel close to let me down, I turn to people who don’t ask me how I’m feeling and go right into just making me feel something for a little while. I don’t even care anymore.
Everything is so unsatisfying. I feel as if I’m drinking water only to have it not quench my thirst.
I want to leave, I want to move away, I want to pick up and never come back.
I just want to see a sunrise after it being so cloudy for far too long.