I’ve been having these crazy nightmares where I’m so drunk and I can’t find someone to talk to them. Each night the scene is different, but the story line is there. After a while, I realize I’m dreaming, but I’m so drunk that I can’t wake up, and I know this. I know that I have to wait until I’m sober so I can wake up, or for some one/thing to wake me up from outside of the dream.
My best friend told me tonight that I need to pray. A lot of people have been telling me that, as well. I don’t understand why it’s proven so difficult for me to find comfort in prayer, in God. I grew up in the church, praying almost every day. Why is it so hard for me now? I think part of me just doesn’t want to be let down again, but I know that, even if it doesn’t work, there’s nothing for me to lose. I need to just do it.
I guess part of me is worried that my plans will change yet again. That I won’t be able to do the insignificant things I want to do like drink wine, smoke cigarettes, and go out for coffee. Those things really shouldn’t matter, but they somewhat do to me. I’m afraid my plans to move will change yet again, and I will let more people down in the process. I know people, eventually, will be okay, but I’m not sure I could take another letdown of being able to see my life work out a certain way, only to have it torn down. I know that God has bigger and better things in store for me, but I just can’t be certain what those things may be.
I’m becoming more and more comfortable in this house where I am surrounded by people of this religion. Each day I become more openminded. It’s not a bad thing, but when I find that some of the people I love criticize the religion (saying things like, “Oh, don’t go converting to that religion.”) I can’t help but be offended. I feel as if I’m the only one who really understands what’s going on in my head… that’s a lie. God is the only one who understands, because even I am having trouble sorting out all of my ideas and thoughts.
Part of me believes that everything that has happened in the last few months has led me to this. I believe strongly in the idea that everything happens for a reason, that God has a plan for us all, and (although he gave us free will to choose to accept or deny) He opens the doors to bigger and better things for us all. What if I was supposed to leave my house in order to live here with this family for a reason? What if my plans to move the first time failed so that I’d stay here to deal with the mess (which is what I’ve realized was the better option for me)? What if I’m emailing this missionary for a reason? There are so many “what if’s”, but I feel like thinking about them isn’t a bad thing. I over think everything, but it’s not always bad. Sometimes it needs to happen.
I know that the solution is simple, I need to pray. Things aren’t going to change if I just keep sitting here, waiting for them to. I need to take a deep breath, and dive in.